chaque jour je t’aime davantage, aujourd’hui plus qu’hier et bien moins que demain

I am currently facing an internal struggle. And why is that so? Yes dear you are right, it’s about dance, all over again…

I know that you are leaving real soon, in fact, in less than 4 days’ time.  I know that though we have been spending weekends together, I will always have to leave for dance prac at night. This means cutting out meeting short, and i know that you are not happy about it. well, me neither.

I dunno if agreeing to help michael out with his item is the correct choice last year. he was one of the first to ask me to help him out with this item. i think he already had a concept of what he wanted to do then. it’s something about saving the earth; deforestation and how we are digging a deeper shit hole for outselves to jump into by all the senseless wastage of paper. it sounded really interesting at that point in time and he was really persuasive and nice about it. that has hence translated into less meeting time and led to bouts of unhappiness.

to be honest, i really enojoyed dancing. no, not because i can get to interact with girls or any rubbish like that. it’s cos when i am at prac, i feel relaxed, and i feel that there is really something for me to do, and life is not about dreading going to camp every morning when i open my eyes and only wish of the day is for the clock to strike 6 when i can zoom home on my bike and repeat the cycle the next day all the way till the weekend. other than looking forward to seeing you, the other thing that i look forward to each week is dance prac, and / or the supper session after that with yy and gang.

with dance, now there is prac to look forward to, more interactions with friends whom i would otherwise not see for ages, more laughter, more stupid corny comments etc.

i told myself that i will only help michael out with 1 item, the one concerning deforestation. before xmas, he told me he needed another guy for his item for exxonmobil campus concert, or emcc for short. again i gave in. just last week, fen and zhimin said they needed some more guys cos the guys they are having now are not the correct ones, and requested me and yy to help. again, i gave in, this time under peer pressure from yy. but i dun think that will really affect you as you are halfway across the globe by then. maybe involving myself in dance over the weekend can bring my mind away from you, by occupying it with something else.

you are not the only one that is against me dancing. even my mum disapproves of it. she made a hoo haa when i told her that i iwll be joining dance again in feb, purly out of concern that i will be bogged down by fatigue, which was what happened last sept. i did not tell her how i felt, nor did i express my interest for dance and hope for her understanding. instead, i just said i will take care of myself, and left it as that. maybe it is due to the inability to express myself, for at that moment in time all the words in the world left me, and my mind was a blank. i did not know how to tell her what joining dance prac meant, and how much colour it injected into my otherwise monotonous life, esp during the upcoming months which i will be spending in your absense. do not take me wrong, for i am definately not putting the blame on you. dun forget who is the one who encouraged you to go for exchange when all the problems against that seemed insurmountable.

i am not ashamed of what i am doing, but deep down, part of me hoped that you will not turn up for my performance. no it is not because the actions with my partners are too intimate for your liking, cos they are nowhere near. it is because, with someone i love amongst the audience brings pressure: the pressure to perform to my very best to show that all the meeting time sacrificed did not go to waste. and i’m not one that works well under pressure, not since i know any mistake from me would ruin the item, ruin the effort put in my all my friends, and ruin mike’s hope for a impactful message.

i think i owe you an explaination, for all the meetings abruptly cut short, for all the “not turning up online” nights and for all the disappointments. you have the right to know why you are missing out so much, and i hope this entry will make things crystal clear.

CHAQUE JOUR JE T’AIME DAVANTAGE, AUJOURD’HUI PLUS QU’HEIR ET BIEN MOINS QUE DEMAIN :)